I Miss My Mom

I miss my mom. My mom passed away on June 22, 2020, so she’s been gone for over two years. I honestly can’t believe that it’s been over two years. Time has lessened the biting pain that was there in the beginning, but some days the sorrow is still pretty overwhelming. And I can’t predict it–some days I’ll just see something that I think she would like, and I get teary eyed, and other days I’ll be feeling blue, and I’ll long for just one more conversation with her. Actually, her birthday was October 16, and she would have been 87 years old this year, so I've been thinking about her a lot lately.

When I think about the relationships that people have with their mothers, I know that not all of those relationships are good ones, and that makes me sad. That bond between a child and a mother can be really special. For me, I always knew that my mom loved me and supported me, no matter what. She might not always agree with my choices or how I handled certain things, but she never stopped loving me, ever. She had my back 100% of the time, and she always wished the best for me and prayed for me. She was my biggest cheerleader!

I feel that same way about my children, and I hope they feel this way about me. I hope they know that I will love them 100% of the time, no matter what. I won’t always agree with their choices, and I will tell them when I disagree, but I will always wish the best for them and pray for them. I am their biggest cheerleader!

It’s hard to even put into words how I feel about my children. They are literally a part of my husband and of me. They were given to me by God as a gift, and I cherish those gifts. When they have success, I feel like shouting it from the mountaintops because I am so proud of them. When they are hurting, I hurt. I remember praying to God when they were babies that He would help me so that I didn’t mess them up. Children don’t come with a set of instructions or a user’s manual, so my husband and I did what we thought was best when raising them. I know we made mistakes, but we honestly tried our best.

Okay, story time. This is awful and embarrassing, and my children remind me about this terrible day every now and again. Here’s one mistake I made that I will never forget as it’s probably one of my worst mommy-moments ever. It was probably 2004, and my boys were about 4 and 6. We had a newspaper route that we did once a week, for a mid-week paper. We delivered about 100 papers, and we walked our route pulling a little red wagon filled with newspapers. We did this sun, rain, or snow, but when it snowed a lot, we usually took the mini-van and drove the route. I thought this would be a great way for the boys to learn about making money and tithing and what good, hard work felt like. This was not a fun undertaking. Some days when the weather was just right, it was kind of fun, but there were hills on our route, and they were too little to pull that wagon. They were also not good at folding the papers and putting the rubber bands around them, so I usually redid all of the papers that they folded. It was a lot of work for about $20 a month.

Anyway, on the particular awful day I’m thinking of, the weather was pretty nice, but my back hurt. I am not sure why, but I did not feel great. I remember getting through the route, but it was difficult and painful, so when we got home, I went and crashed on the couch. I told the boys I needed to rest. I rested for about 3 minutes, and then Jamison, my then 4-year-old, came up to me and asked for me to put the Clifford the Big Red Dog video into the VCR in their room. I told him he needed to wait for a bit. He came back, oh, probably 3,000 times. Not really, but I remember it seemed like it was 3,000 times. I was patient for a while, but then my anger broke through and I broke his video. As I remember it, I took it and broke it in half over my knee. My son remembers it differently; he thinks that I took the video ribbon out, like pulled it out in a big pile. Either way, those images are pretty vivid and pretty awful! Shame on me! Needless to say, I did not win mother of the year in 2004! I did apologize to my son, and I think I had to pay the city library as it wasn’t even our video! I also asked God for forgiveness for that really over-the-top display of anger.

Oh, I know I made other mistakes as a mom, and I am sure I’ll continue to make mistakes, but I hope and pray that my boys know that I am trying to do what is good and what is right. I love them more than the sun, and the moon, and the stars in the sky.

When I think of my relationship with my mom and my relationship with my children, I then think about my heavenly father and my relationship with him. In 1 John 3:1 (NIV), it says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” I love that I am a child of God, and He is my heavenly father! What a beautiful and amazing relationship, and to know that He lavishes His love on us, just like I do with my children and like my mom did with me, is pretty awesome! I am loved!

I still miss my mom, but I know God loved my mom and she loved Him. She’s in Heaven, and someday I’ll see her again. God also knows how I feel, and He cares about how I feel. I love Psalm 34:18 (NIV): “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” When my heart is torn in half and I just want to pick up the phone and hear her voice again, God is close to me, and He listens to me through my sadness. Thank you, God, for being not only my savior and redeemer, but also for being my heavenly father. I love you!

Here's a picture of my mom and me:

Thanks for reading, friends!

Love,

Julie